I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
