You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
