I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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