Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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