I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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