I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
