I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
