my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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