happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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