I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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