After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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