I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
