I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
