Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
did i just pee glitter
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
