So drunk its hurt
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
