Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
