I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
