three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My ATM looks so different sober.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
