I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
