i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My life is pants optional.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
