i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
