I accidentally had phone sex last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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