; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
