I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
