Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
