I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
