i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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