I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
