At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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