I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
