New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
