you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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