According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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