I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
