it hurts more in the daytime
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
