FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
