now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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