Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
