My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need to align my fucking chakras
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
