mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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