I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
