Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
