I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
