How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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