Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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