Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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