You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
