Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
