I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
