I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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