my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
