cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
