proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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