I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
