9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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